Interesting thought solidified: The person I "fell in love" with didn’t/doesn’t exist.
That person is an invention, a smorgasbord of traits and attributes consolidated to create an ideal. They seem real enough because the image is projected onto a flesh and blood body, but like the light coming out of a projector onto a movie screen, it is only a likeness. What is completely mind boggling is how the image is less about how the narcissist sees themself and more about projecting back to you what they perceive you desire and or need.
How does this happen? Narcissists have only one goal - to get their required dosage of attention and nothing is off limits to achieve this. If you are not familiar with narcissism, check out one of the many information sources available. (One that I found particularly helpful: https://biblicalperspectivesonnarcissism.com/) The initial “hook” has been termed love bombing. This is an insidious tactic of reading a person, called a supplier, and mirroring back to them what they want to see. The supplier or victim totally connects because they have met their perfect match, however, it is only a reflection of their own ideal.
Projecting is extremely expensive emotionally and labor intensive for the narcissist, but it serves a purpose. As you respond positively to this reflected image projected back to you, their required need for adoration, attention, and admiration is satisfied. Love bombing will give way eventually because it is too costly to maintain and once the trap has been sprung, there is no longer a need for it. It will surface periodically on a lesser scale as a lure to suck you back in, when disillusionment surfaces.
You have been completely taken in by the euphoria of this unbelievably perfect connection, but things begin to change, slowly and indirectly at first. Snide remarks or comments, criticisms, withholding affection, separating physically are the next step in what is called devaluing. Strangely, this also supplies the narcissist. Though what they receive from the devaluing is more along the lines of negative attention or what I call drama, it is still attention. Often the victim begs to know what they have done and what can they do to change or fix the problem. At this point the narcissist reverts to their normal way of being and have no need to expend any energy as they simply sit back and soak up the emotional upheaval of their victim.
The last phase of a narcissistic relationship is discarding. This can go on forever if the victim cannot garner the strength to walk away. It is the most damaging, in my opinion, because you have no clue as to what you did to deserve this, but are told repeatedly that you are the problem. Nothing you do to try and change the situation helps and you begin to turn on yourself. The narcissist finds sick pleasure in your pain and feeds off of the fact that they have caused this. In the discarding process, a narcissist will not usually walk away. What they will do is orchestrate intolerable situations to force you into making the decision to leave. That way their “integrity” stays intact, proving you are the problem and look at the horror you have caused.
I want to go back to the beginning. Narcissists mirror back what they perceive you want. Is it wrong to have ideals, expectations, standards, goals? Of course not, but be careful, do not be deceived. What you want and what you need are two very different things. There was only one perfect person and He is now sitting at the right hand of YHVH. Guard your hearts, girls (and guys). Discernment is the key. I learned some valuable lessons that I wouldn’t trade, but as with anything worthwhile, it came at a very dear cost.